Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.