Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.