My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.