My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed