Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I can also cook 😂
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
The Birdles
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Every time my phone rings
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now