He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
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Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*ernest hemingway voice*
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single