What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I’m calling the cops.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.