Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?