Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
You Might Also Like
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My dad is at it again
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.