Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Last-minute gift idea!
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.