Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
the clam before the storm
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack