Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
LA today:
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator