FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
You Might Also Like
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.