It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
This rocks
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
best first i’ve ever seen
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.