You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.