My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
The internet is magic sometimes.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Tuesday
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect