When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Super Hand Dog Face
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Risking my life for fun.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You had me at “define legal”.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Smells like a challenge to me
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.