the composer
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?