Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Ha
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.