You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”