“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.