Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.