Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate