I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
You Might Also Like
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?