My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned