no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
You Might Also Like
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*