she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Alexa, make me look good naked.