I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
You Might Also Like
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
sugar glider wrangler
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.