“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
cat vs inanimate object
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon