I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Who’s your best friend?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
🤣😈🤣
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?