Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.