Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
good work, everybody
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers