Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.