Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.