CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself