wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
doing your own taxes
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.