Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.