*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!