I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
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In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12