I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
She was rare, like a goth carolling.