When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
They’re the worst 😩
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
This could be us but you eatin’
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Flowers bee like
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.