What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
You Might Also Like
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Every BBC series about the universe.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”