A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Every haunted house movie:
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.