Seems kinda suspicious
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
then why did i get this email
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
i have one speed and it’s mosey
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”