Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur