My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
no regrets
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.