Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks