I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Möther may I have a snäck
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!