[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Generation gap…
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.