I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.